Yesterday was too much. We were all still jet lagged and although our agenda: museum, mall and lunch, seemed doable when I thought it up at home I had not fully remembered the stress that comes with getting from one place to another in Addis. The traffic noise and fumes drive Jeremy up the wall. The women with tiny babies strapped to their back knocking at the car window and motioning to their mouth, asking for food, is too much the kids, especially hayden.. He cries, he gets mad, he learned on our last trip that if he gives them anything he is suddenly surrounded by a growing group of people wanting something as well. And they should want- they are wanting for everything. Everything he has and takes for granted every day of his life.

In part we make this trip so that we will see things like that. I don't want to (nor could i!) shield my kids from the beauty or the poverty and struggle that our world contains. Sitting in traffic with people begging at the windows two feet away for 20 minutes felt like we had crossed the line from exposing them to rubbing it in their faces. Hayden was sobbing, Zeni was wanting to talk to the kids who, without a few twists of fate in her early life, could easily have been her, and her friendliness was causing unsettlingly large group of people to gather around the van. We finally started moving and I breathed a sigh of relief, and then we stopped 15 meters ahead and the whole thing began again.

Long story long, that night jeremy and I talked about cancelling the whole thing, saying hi to family tomorrow and giving them the gifts we brought and then changing our plane tickets to wherever we could go that was, in a word, “easier”.

We woke the next morning feeling similarly. I was so nervous I felt sick. Zeni was refusing to get dressed. Hayden was clearing his throat 9 million times a minute and Jeremy was still talking about flying out.
Big Zeni (Zeni’s mom), Getachew (Big Zeni’s dad) Fitsum (Zeni’s half sister) and Fitimlak (Big Zeni’s husband) arrived a little after 10. Just like during our last trip my anxiety grew as I heard the car pull up to the point where I didn't think I was going to be able to hold it together. They came up the stairs and that tight, coiled up feeling in my stomach melted away. At the sight of her mom Zeni, who had been hiding behind me, zoomed down the stairs and threw her arms around Big Zeni in a huge embrace that lasted the entire time everyone else was saying hello and shaking hands. When they finally parted they stayed arms linked as they made it up the stairs and in to the living room of our guest house.

We hung out and exchanged gifts and talked. The kids colored and jumped rope. We spent the rest of the day with them visiting extended family throughout the city. Every house we went to people were genuinly welcoming, and not in an awkward or forced or any kind of way other than warm and loving and made us truly feel like family. Zeni and Hayden ran around with the kids in the neighborhood, Zeni giggling and Hayden playing with the babies and doing zillions of dabs much to the boys’ delight. Jeremy and I sat with the adults and listened to family stories and asked questions.

As the long day drew to an end Zeni and I accompanied the driver to take Big Zeni and Getachew home. We got out of the car to say out goodbyes and Zeni hugged her mom tight. Her mom kissed Zeni’s cheek. They both whispered “I love you”. Zeni popped back in the car and fell asleep in Addis rush hour traffic.

Since before we left home Ive been prepping Zeni for seeing her family, talking about different feelings that might come up and how they are all ok to feel and talk about. As I watched her snoring in the backseat I realized that maybe, when she says she is good with everything and I think she is lying and hiding her feelings, that maybe I’m the one who cant clearly see. Maybe she is fine. Not always, of course, but maybe for her this reality, having two very different families who both love her very much, is (for now at least) not angst ridden or hard to process or sad. Maybe its just family. After spending the day with them they felt, to me too, like exactly that.