Yesterday was a doozie. I was 4 days post and 2 days pre-surgery. I was feeling pretty pain free and ventured downstairs, in search of a new couch to sit on. I noticed zeni’s hamster’s water bottle was really full. I reached inside the cage to make sure it wasn’t clogged and brushed my hand across a very cold (but not stiff) hamster. I plucked CreamPuff from his cage and while he was in fact frigid he also made this little hamster gasp sound. I tried putting some water in his mouth with a dropper incase the water bottle was broken. It dribbled down his cold cheek. I attempted vigorous rubbing of said hamster and some chest compressions. I listened with Jeremy's stethoscope. There was a faint heartbeat. Every minute of so the hamster would let out this kind of raspy sigh. I was a horrible hospice nurse to the hamster- i couldn’t let him go quietly into the dark night. I rubbed and compressed and dribbled water for another half hour. Finally, no more sighs. He was an ex-hamster.
I just absolutely could not tell my black daughter, with whom I had just discussed the concept of race riotes, who is dealing with cancer and quarantine, that the Puffer has shuffled off this mortal coil. I sent jeremy to the store for a substitute. (Shh. She doesn’t know. If she asks i will happily tell her next week, when i am out of the hospital. If she doesn’t ask then I’ll tell her when she’s old enough to laugh about it.)
While jeremy was shopping i turned on the oven for dinner. Soon the house was filled with acrid white smoke. I turned it off, opened the oven door and found what looked like a post-apocalyptic scene of melted, dripping plastic in several hues. Our cleaners came yesterday morning for the first time in months. In preparation for their visit Jeremy had been trying to clear off all the counters like I asked him to, and stuck a bunch of stuff in the oven.
He returned with a hamster (a BABY hamster- like, a third of a size of the original hamster) to a house with smoke streaming out the windows. He ran in ready to pull our unconscious bodies from the flames and discovered me, with a knife, trying to get the plastic off the bottom of the oven before it cooled and hardened. We both sat in the floor and laughed and cried for awhile. Then I saw the teeny hamster he brought home and laughcried some more. We removed all oven racks with their mangled, now hardened plastic to the backyard and left the rest of the oven to be dealt with at a later date. We introduced mini CreamPuff to his new home. We went to bed.
Zeni came into our room that night. “Mom. I’m worried about Creampuff. He used to be so fat he couldn’t even fit through his tube but now he slides right through.” I didn’t miss a beat. “Sweetie. Dad and I noticed that Creampuff seemed like he was loosing weight. We gave his cage a really good cleaning (read: bought a new one) and put him back in. I think he will be ok and start gaining weight again (read: mature into an adult) but you keep a good eye on him and tell us if he’s not, ok?” I brushed her soft cheek and she padded back to her room. “Wow. That was good.”- I think I worried jeremy with how easily the lie came.
Happily, yesterday’s chaos ceded to today’s good fortune. My pathology report is back from the surgery and says that both my lymph nodes and the margins of the breast tissue she removed are cancer free. Basically, barring some unlikely errant cell that has somehow traveled somewhere unexpected, when all this is over I will be cancer free. Pretty fucking awesome. I had an appointment with the surgeon this morning where she spoke reassuringly and she drew all over me I felt good enough to sit in the yard and read, had visits from some lovely friends and then went for ice cream and watched an episode of Lost with the fam. This time tomorrow I’ll be out of the 10 hour surgery, installed in a hospital room with people watch me and where my only job is to rest. I will be on the next step towards being done with this whole crazy zag this last two months have taken.

I’m nervous, for sure. Mostly about the pain, a little about being alone with no visitors allowed. After my moms diagnosis she flew out to Spokane to visit us and ended up in the hospital. I bought her a warm blanket to have in the hospital room - she always hated shoddy linens. I packed that same blanket into my bag tonight to take to the same hospital. I talked to my dad and my brother and sister (in law although she’s been putting up with my dad in her house this whole quarantine time so i think that upgrades her to sister). I kissed my kids and my husband. I have more texts and we’ll wishes from friends and family than I can believe. I won’t be alone.

(below- Creampuff, following some warm-towel and rubbing which yielded…. little. And my oven. Circa yesterday.)